So, if you're a follower or friend of mine, you know it's been an incredibly long time since I've posted here ... or even logged into my blog, for that matter. I had some very hurtful things said to me at the beginning of this year, including bashing this very blog, where I sought comfort and empathy with my Endo sisters. I lost my desire to write for almost a year, but I'm happy to say, I'm back.
What Happened?
It's so difficult trying to get people to understand exactly what a day in the life of an Endo sufferer is like. Harder still, is receiving an email from a family member that claimed to be a supporter, but is now spewing nothing but words of hate through your computer. This family member had offered to write a letter to the Endo Center in Atlanta, GA to see if perhaps they could take my case pro-bono. I was so touched that this person would take the time to do this for me, I felt blessed that even though our relationship had been almost non existent for twenty seven years, that we could finally have something more.
I was enthusiastic about the possibility of seeing a specialist that could hopefully rid me of my daily pain. One day, I was in an extreme amount of pain, so my husband was laying with me in bed for a good part of the afternoon. When he woke to come check the messages, there were several from my family member saying that there was great news and to call back as soon as I could. The news was that the specialist was willing to consider taking my case pro-bono, but I would first have to send them all my medical records before they made a decision. I was excited, but just a week after this news, our home computer and my laptop both stopped working, right before we were scheduled to take a trip to see my husband's brother in Florida for three weeks. *Note - This trip was planned months and months before any prospect of seeing a specialist in another state, and the tickets were free, using mileage.
After returning from our trip, we still had no computer for two more months, and I thought it odd that I hadn't heard from this family member in quite sometime, but life goes on. There were other worries and responsibilities, so time continued passing. My husband was able to fix our computer, so I immediately looked back into the emails I'd received from the Endo specialists' office, and I couldn't find any that had stated what the next step was, and I couldn't remember because it had been so long, so I emailed them. I got a reply just a few days later saying they still needed my medical records. I looked into getting them, and it wasn't going to be free. At the time, there were no extra funds to spare for them. I'd also looked into the details, if I were to have surgery at the facility in Atlanta. They required you to see them for a pre-op visit and then stay for up to six weeks after your surgery. So, even if the surgery was pro-bono, I would still have to pay for the trip out there, and lodging for at least six and half to seven weeks. I didn't have that kind of money. I was completely devastated that this would no longer be a possibility, at this point in time. I lost sleep and cried a lot of nights about it. But, that's life. It just wasn't meant to be, and I could accept that.
Before finding all this out, my mom had said something about a phone call she'd had with this family member, and they'd said my husband had said something along the lines of I wasn't interested in seeing this specialist. I had no clue what this was about, so I emailed this family member. My email was basically a recap of what had happened in the previous few months. How have you and yours been, our trip was nice, our computer wasn't working, I emailed the Endo specialist and they need my medical records, I don't know what was said about me not wanting to see the specialist, I still very much want to, I'll keep you posted on what I find out. Short, sweet, signed with a "Love you". What I received back, was a barrage of nothing but hurtful and vicious words, that hurt me very deeply.
Basically, I was unappreciative of the time they'd taken to write the letter to the Endo specialist, they criticized me for having this blog, and my husband had said something hurtful to them months prior (the day this person had called multiple times, my husband had logged into his Facebook, and they chatted about the great news of me possibly being able to see the specialist pro-bono, my husband had said "My goodness, you're persistent." That was it. But apparently, it hurt this person's feelings, and instead of saying something about it, to either him or me, they let it fester for three months, until they sent me the hurtful email.) He didn't mean it in a rude way, but I'm sorry offense was taken. Still, don't attack
me for something
my husband said. Our relationship should not be based on what my husband says; I'm supposed to be this person's family. Whatever issue there was, it could have been resolved without hateful and hurtful words, but that's just not how it was handled. The email ended with a "don't bother emailing me back, this is resolved". I was stunned and obviously hurt. I had no idea what had happened for there to be a reaction like this, but I knew that I no longer desired a relationship with this person, no matter what kind of kindness they had extended before.
It weighed so heavy on my mind for a very long time. Had I been unappreciative? Was there a way I could have made it all work out better? Did I deserve all the hateful things that were said to me? And the answer to all three, is no. I had been sure to say how much I appreciated what this person had done, every time I spoke to them. Our lack of communication was on both our parts, but if I had known this person was hurt by something my husband had said, I would have straightened it out long before it got ugly. And no, I didn't deserve those hateful words. They will live with me forever. The knowledge that they came from someone I held dear to my heart, will forever stay with me. I don't hold a grudge, but I don't forget when people have hurt me, either. Their words stung me for such a long time. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't handle conflict well. I want nothing more than for everyone to get along, and although I don't care what most people think of me, I can't stand the thought that someone thinks I've wronged them; so, I kept trying to blame myself for everything that had transpired. Luckily though, I've been through similar circumstances in my past, and I'm too strong to let other people bring me down.
Life's lessons are never easy. I keep thinking I must have learned them all by now, but then I always get surprised by a new one. You should always be careful of how much of yourself you give to others (even if they seem supportive), and never trust anyone unless they've earned it. I will continue to rise above the hate, and I pray you do too.
